Counting Our Blessings

Now that I've had a few days to sort through my feelings, I wanted to write them all down.
Over the past 4 days I have had a huge assortment of feelings. Of course, the day I found out the results were negative was a horrific day. I have not felt that amount of sadness in a very long time. I just wanted to be alone and not think about it. The next day, I actually felt pretty good. Honestly, I kept pushing the thought out of my mind, and I was just so relieved to finally have a result (even though the wrong result) that I was able to focus on everything but how I was feeling. The following day to present I find myself struggling. I have finally allowed myself to think about how I feel, and it feels pretty bad. It feels so final, and that's the part I'm struggling with. Before IVF, I always had the feeling that being a mother to my own biological child was a possibility. I always knew that IVF was available and I always wondered if we would try it. This kept me optimistic because I knew that having a biological family of our own was still possible.

Now that we have completed IVF (for the one and only time) I am struggling with the finality of it. For the past 4 years I have constantly thought about having a family. Every week and month that passed, I considered myself closer to this goal. Even though the odds were not in our favor, I always believed that eventually, it would happen.
I now feel that this is not the case. I feel as though God has closed this chapter in our life. I had a mental list of things I felt as though God was leading me to do. I have checked each of these things off of my list, and now, nothing else remains. IVF was the last and final task. I felt like God led me through this task list because he knows me so very well. He knows my inner thoughts and what I would need to feel better about the will he has for me. He knew that I would never let myself rest if I didn't try every medical assistance available, and he knew that I would need to go through these things to have peace. I am so thankful he allowed me to go through this journey, and gave me the wisdom I needed to move forward. He was with me the entire time, and my journey was not in vain. Sometimes, it is from the things we understand the least, that we stand to learn the most from God.

Even though IVF was the absolute hardest, most painful, difficult, emotional, exhausting, defeating thing I ever EVER gone through, I know that it was the right path for us. I know that it had to be done. I do not regret it for one second and I do not regret the faith we had this entire time. I tried really hard to listen to God the entire time and focus on him rather than the physical and mental ailments I was faced with. God comforted me, and he is still comforting me. I am so thankful for his touch and his peace because I would be absolutely lost without it. Lance and I know that a second round of IVF, or any other treatment is not in our cards. We know that God led us to IVF for a single try, and that anything beyond that is not required of us. We can now rest in him and him alone.

Lance and I have talked and we both agree that God has placed it on our heart that natural children may not be what God wants for us. Of course, it is SO DIFFICULT to understand God's plan, and it is so painful to think that we will never be parents to a child that has our eyes, our nose, Lance's strong will or my goofy personality. It is a pain that I pray will eventually go away, but I am not sure it will. I can only pray that God will ease this pain of ours eventually, and allow us to find peace in him when we are brokenhearted. This is the ultimate goal, to rely on God for all things, and find comfort in him rather than ourselves.

I know that everyone has something in their life that makes them ask "why?" We all have that one thing that hurts us deeper than anything else, we all struggle and question God's plan. We are not alone in this, and we know it. We know better than to question God's plan, because we know that God's plans are so much greater than our own. I am thankful for this peace, because it is the one thing I cling to. God protects us from things we are unaware of, and he places amazing things in our path that we had no idea we needed or wanted. I truly believe mine and Lance's life is so extremely blessed, and we are still destined for beautiful things. I have no idea what those things are, but I will trust that God knows what he is doing.

You are probably wondering why we feel as through a natural child is not meant for us. Just because IVF didn't work, doesn't mean that we won't get pregnant on our own right? Well, for us, the next step is for me to go back on continuous birth control. Over the past 4 years I have put myself through excruciating pain every month with my cycle, along with multiple surgeries, IUI's and then IVF. My body is tired and I am mentally and physically exhausted. I cannot bear another month of the agonizing endometriosis pain and monthly reminder of defeat. Continuous birth control will keep the endometriosis pain at bay, and level out my body, keeping it quiet. (Both physically and emotionally)

I am ready to rest and place my focus in other places. Lance also agrees that it's time to put infertility to rest and move forward with the remainder of our lives. We are so ready to move forward and explore the other blessings and trials God has ahead for us.

I'm sure your next thought is adoption, right? This is something neither of us are ready to think about right now. In my opinion, infertility is like a loss. It's as though we are grieving the child we longed for for so long, that we never got to meet. We pictured his or her face for so many years, and letting that go is painful. I could never adopt a child unless my heart was totally accepting of the loss of my biological child. It wouldn't be fair to us, or the child we adopted. We are not saying adoption is off the table, but that for now, we have no energy to offer towards that process. 

For now, we are counting our blessings. We are blessed beyond measure. We have each other, a home that we love, great jobs, our health and our family. We are trying to focus on all of the things we do have rather than the one thing we do not. We are looking forward to taking more time to rest, vacation, and just enjoy the life God has given us. 

Please continue to pray for us. Pray specifically for God's peace to reign over us. Pray that we will remember to continue counting our blessings. Pray that we continue to follow God's will for our life, wherever that may lead.

Thank you all for taking this journey with us. I am so thankful I wrote this journey down and I am able to reflect upon it. I have learned so much these past four years, and I have grown so much. I am forever grateful for the support system we had through all of this and the always loving hand of God that was upon us each and every day throughout.

Results

The results were negative. 

Taking a day or two to feel better and I will post again. 

Thank you all for your continued prayers 

Patiently Waiting

I know everyone is anxiously awaiting an update. (Join the club) LOL

Not much to report other than the fact that I'm feeling totally normal and healthy again, and we are playing the waiting game until Wednesday. Wednesday the 8th is my blood test. 

I will definitely update you all Wednesday evening after we get the results. It will probably be a brief update, then I will post my thoughts/feelings in a more detailed update a few days later.

Thank you all for the prayers, and please keep praying!!!!!! 

Transfer Today!

Well, things don't always go as planned. On day 3 (Saturday) we were told we had several great embryos. They were growing exactly as they should be for a "Day 3 embryo"  

This morning, Lance and I were expecting and discussing that we would  transfer one perfect embryo, then freeze the rest for future use. 

Instead, when we arrived, the doctor told us that all of our embryos except two stopped growing. We were left with 2 less than perfect embryos and none to freeze. These two embryos are considered Day 4 embryos which is not ideal to transfer. They are classified this way because they are growing at a slower rate. They advised us to transfer both to increase our odds because the odds decrease with this quality of embryo. The normal odds with a Day 5 embryo are close to a 50% success rate. With these embryos, the success rate is closer to 25%. This is why we were advised to transfer both. Normally, we would not want to transfer two since this is a higher risk of twins. We have been highly educated on the dangers for both mom and baby with a twin pregnancy. Although most people think a twin pregnancy is normal and easy, we know differently and the last thing we want  after going through all of this is a difficult or dangerous pregnancy. That being said, God knows what he is doing and we trust his plan. You may wonder how I'm feeling... I'm actually feeling good. I feel relieved that we have finally completed this difficult process and my faith lies in God. Regardless of the outcome, I am still going to praise him for all he's done in our life. We are so blessed. Two isn't many, but it's just enough. :)

Thank you all for the prayers! Keep them coming, our pregnancy test is set for April 8th! I'll post again to keep you guys updated. 

I have included a picture of our two embryos (I think they're super cool looking) as well as pics of me and Lance preparing for the procedure! 

Transfer Day

So long as everything stays the same with my health and the embryos health, we will be transferring at 12:15 Monday! I will post again tomorrow (Monday) night to let you all know how it went and how many we decided to transfer. Thank you all so much for your continued prayers. They are SO APPRECIATED and you guys are the BEST!

Pray without ceasing tomorrow!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 

Embryo Update

Hi Everyone, 

 The embryologist called today to tell us great news! We have 4 excellent embryos, 2 good, 2 average and 4 poor. These are fantastic numbers and we are so thankful. My transfer is scheduled for Monday at 12:15 but that is tentative because  I am still sick. I have been severely sick since Tuesday with little relief. I plan on calling the doctor tomorrow and getting her advice on whether or not we should do the transfer on Monday or freeze them until next month when I can be totally recovered. 

Pray diligently that I feel a ton better tomorrow and pray diligently that God gives my doctor wisdom on what is best for me and for our embryos. We want to do whatever is best! 

Thank you all so much for your prayers. I will update tomorrow when I know a definitive answer on the transfer.

Love you guys! 

Embryologist Update

The embryologist called and told us that out of the 40 eggs retrieved, 18 were mature and 12 fertilized. He's going to call us again on Saturday to let us know how many we will have to transfer and/or freeze.  Some of them may not make it to transfer day, which may be Monday.  This process happens naturally on its own. So we leave this in the hands of our Lord. We are so happy  and we are so thankful God had his hand on this process. And we know his will is perfect. 

All of that being said, I am in a lot of pain. My doctor told me my pain would get worse before it gets better and boy she wasn't kidding. I have been so miserable all day. I'm praying I will start feeling better tomorrow. Please please pray for me because my spirit is weak from all of this. If we get to transfer on Monday I want to be able to enjoy the experience instead of being in pain. I pray God touches me and shows mercy on my body. Thank you all so much for the prayers thus far. Keep um coming! 

I'll update again on Saturday!