Counting Our Blessings

Now that I've had a few days to sort through my feelings, I wanted to write them all down.
Over the past 4 days I have had a huge assortment of feelings. Of course, the day I found out the results were negative was a horrific day. I have not felt that amount of sadness in a very long time. I just wanted to be alone and not think about it. The next day, I actually felt pretty good. Honestly, I kept pushing the thought out of my mind, and I was just so relieved to finally have a result (even though the wrong result) that I was able to focus on everything but how I was feeling. The following day to present I find myself struggling. I have finally allowed myself to think about how I feel, and it feels pretty bad. It feels so final, and that's the part I'm struggling with. Before IVF, I always had the feeling that being a mother to my own biological child was a possibility. I always knew that IVF was available and I always wondered if we would try it. This kept me optimistic because I knew that having a biological family of our own was still possible.

Now that we have completed IVF (for the one and only time) I am struggling with the finality of it. For the past 4 years I have constantly thought about having a family. Every week and month that passed, I considered myself closer to this goal. Even though the odds were not in our favor, I always believed that eventually, it would happen.
I now feel that this is not the case. I feel as though God has closed this chapter in our life. I had a mental list of things I felt as though God was leading me to do. I have checked each of these things off of my list, and now, nothing else remains. IVF was the last and final task. I felt like God led me through this task list because he knows me so very well. He knows my inner thoughts and what I would need to feel better about the will he has for me. He knew that I would never let myself rest if I didn't try every medical assistance available, and he knew that I would need to go through these things to have peace. I am so thankful he allowed me to go through this journey, and gave me the wisdom I needed to move forward. He was with me the entire time, and my journey was not in vain. Sometimes, it is from the things we understand the least, that we stand to learn the most from God.

Even though IVF was the absolute hardest, most painful, difficult, emotional, exhausting, defeating thing I ever EVER gone through, I know that it was the right path for us. I know that it had to be done. I do not regret it for one second and I do not regret the faith we had this entire time. I tried really hard to listen to God the entire time and focus on him rather than the physical and mental ailments I was faced with. God comforted me, and he is still comforting me. I am so thankful for his touch and his peace because I would be absolutely lost without it. Lance and I know that a second round of IVF, or any other treatment is not in our cards. We know that God led us to IVF for a single try, and that anything beyond that is not required of us. We can now rest in him and him alone.

Lance and I have talked and we both agree that God has placed it on our heart that natural children may not be what God wants for us. Of course, it is SO DIFFICULT to understand God's plan, and it is so painful to think that we will never be parents to a child that has our eyes, our nose, Lance's strong will or my goofy personality. It is a pain that I pray will eventually go away, but I am not sure it will. I can only pray that God will ease this pain of ours eventually, and allow us to find peace in him when we are brokenhearted. This is the ultimate goal, to rely on God for all things, and find comfort in him rather than ourselves.

I know that everyone has something in their life that makes them ask "why?" We all have that one thing that hurts us deeper than anything else, we all struggle and question God's plan. We are not alone in this, and we know it. We know better than to question God's plan, because we know that God's plans are so much greater than our own. I am thankful for this peace, because it is the one thing I cling to. God protects us from things we are unaware of, and he places amazing things in our path that we had no idea we needed or wanted. I truly believe mine and Lance's life is so extremely blessed, and we are still destined for beautiful things. I have no idea what those things are, but I will trust that God knows what he is doing.

You are probably wondering why we feel as through a natural child is not meant for us. Just because IVF didn't work, doesn't mean that we won't get pregnant on our own right? Well, for us, the next step is for me to go back on continuous birth control. Over the past 4 years I have put myself through excruciating pain every month with my cycle, along with multiple surgeries, IUI's and then IVF. My body is tired and I am mentally and physically exhausted. I cannot bear another month of the agonizing endometriosis pain and monthly reminder of defeat. Continuous birth control will keep the endometriosis pain at bay, and level out my body, keeping it quiet. (Both physically and emotionally)

I am ready to rest and place my focus in other places. Lance also agrees that it's time to put infertility to rest and move forward with the remainder of our lives. We are so ready to move forward and explore the other blessings and trials God has ahead for us.

I'm sure your next thought is adoption, right? This is something neither of us are ready to think about right now. In my opinion, infertility is like a loss. It's as though we are grieving the child we longed for for so long, that we never got to meet. We pictured his or her face for so many years, and letting that go is painful. I could never adopt a child unless my heart was totally accepting of the loss of my biological child. It wouldn't be fair to us, or the child we adopted. We are not saying adoption is off the table, but that for now, we have no energy to offer towards that process. 

For now, we are counting our blessings. We are blessed beyond measure. We have each other, a home that we love, great jobs, our health and our family. We are trying to focus on all of the things we do have rather than the one thing we do not. We are looking forward to taking more time to rest, vacation, and just enjoy the life God has given us. 

Please continue to pray for us. Pray specifically for God's peace to reign over us. Pray that we will remember to continue counting our blessings. Pray that we continue to follow God's will for our life, wherever that may lead.

Thank you all for taking this journey with us. I am so thankful I wrote this journey down and I am able to reflect upon it. I have learned so much these past four years, and I have grown so much. I am forever grateful for the support system we had through all of this and the always loving hand of God that was upon us each and every day throughout.