Counting Our Blessings

Now that I've had a few days to sort through my feelings, I wanted to write them all down.
Over the past 4 days I have had a huge assortment of feelings. Of course, the day I found out the results were negative was a horrific day. I have not felt that amount of sadness in a very long time. I just wanted to be alone and not think about it. The next day, I actually felt pretty good. Honestly, I kept pushing the thought out of my mind, and I was just so relieved to finally have a result (even though the wrong result) that I was able to focus on everything but how I was feeling. The following day to present I find myself struggling. I have finally allowed myself to think about how I feel, and it feels pretty bad. It feels so final, and that's the part I'm struggling with. Before IVF, I always had the feeling that being a mother to my own biological child was a possibility. I always knew that IVF was available and I always wondered if we would try it. This kept me optimistic because I knew that having a biological family of our own was still possible.

Now that we have completed IVF (for the one and only time) I am struggling with the finality of it. For the past 4 years I have constantly thought about having a family. Every week and month that passed, I considered myself closer to this goal. Even though the odds were not in our favor, I always believed that eventually, it would happen.
I now feel that this is not the case. I feel as though God has closed this chapter in our life. I had a mental list of things I felt as though God was leading me to do. I have checked each of these things off of my list, and now, nothing else remains. IVF was the last and final task. I felt like God led me through this task list because he knows me so very well. He knows my inner thoughts and what I would need to feel better about the will he has for me. He knew that I would never let myself rest if I didn't try every medical assistance available, and he knew that I would need to go through these things to have peace. I am so thankful he allowed me to go through this journey, and gave me the wisdom I needed to move forward. He was with me the entire time, and my journey was not in vain. Sometimes, it is from the things we understand the least, that we stand to learn the most from God.

Even though IVF was the absolute hardest, most painful, difficult, emotional, exhausting, defeating thing I ever EVER gone through, I know that it was the right path for us. I know that it had to be done. I do not regret it for one second and I do not regret the faith we had this entire time. I tried really hard to listen to God the entire time and focus on him rather than the physical and mental ailments I was faced with. God comforted me, and he is still comforting me. I am so thankful for his touch and his peace because I would be absolutely lost without it. Lance and I know that a second round of IVF, or any other treatment is not in our cards. We know that God led us to IVF for a single try, and that anything beyond that is not required of us. We can now rest in him and him alone.

Lance and I have talked and we both agree that God has placed it on our heart that natural children may not be what God wants for us. Of course, it is SO DIFFICULT to understand God's plan, and it is so painful to think that we will never be parents to a child that has our eyes, our nose, Lance's strong will or my goofy personality. It is a pain that I pray will eventually go away, but I am not sure it will. I can only pray that God will ease this pain of ours eventually, and allow us to find peace in him when we are brokenhearted. This is the ultimate goal, to rely on God for all things, and find comfort in him rather than ourselves.

I know that everyone has something in their life that makes them ask "why?" We all have that one thing that hurts us deeper than anything else, we all struggle and question God's plan. We are not alone in this, and we know it. We know better than to question God's plan, because we know that God's plans are so much greater than our own. I am thankful for this peace, because it is the one thing I cling to. God protects us from things we are unaware of, and he places amazing things in our path that we had no idea we needed or wanted. I truly believe mine and Lance's life is so extremely blessed, and we are still destined for beautiful things. I have no idea what those things are, but I will trust that God knows what he is doing.

You are probably wondering why we feel as through a natural child is not meant for us. Just because IVF didn't work, doesn't mean that we won't get pregnant on our own right? Well, for us, the next step is for me to go back on continuous birth control. Over the past 4 years I have put myself through excruciating pain every month with my cycle, along with multiple surgeries, IUI's and then IVF. My body is tired and I am mentally and physically exhausted. I cannot bear another month of the agonizing endometriosis pain and monthly reminder of defeat. Continuous birth control will keep the endometriosis pain at bay, and level out my body, keeping it quiet. (Both physically and emotionally)

I am ready to rest and place my focus in other places. Lance also agrees that it's time to put infertility to rest and move forward with the remainder of our lives. We are so ready to move forward and explore the other blessings and trials God has ahead for us.

I'm sure your next thought is adoption, right? This is something neither of us are ready to think about right now. In my opinion, infertility is like a loss. It's as though we are grieving the child we longed for for so long, that we never got to meet. We pictured his or her face for so many years, and letting that go is painful. I could never adopt a child unless my heart was totally accepting of the loss of my biological child. It wouldn't be fair to us, or the child we adopted. We are not saying adoption is off the table, but that for now, we have no energy to offer towards that process. 

For now, we are counting our blessings. We are blessed beyond measure. We have each other, a home that we love, great jobs, our health and our family. We are trying to focus on all of the things we do have rather than the one thing we do not. We are looking forward to taking more time to rest, vacation, and just enjoy the life God has given us. 

Please continue to pray for us. Pray specifically for God's peace to reign over us. Pray that we will remember to continue counting our blessings. Pray that we continue to follow God's will for our life, wherever that may lead.

Thank you all for taking this journey with us. I am so thankful I wrote this journey down and I am able to reflect upon it. I have learned so much these past four years, and I have grown so much. I am forever grateful for the support system we had through all of this and the always loving hand of God that was upon us each and every day throughout.

Results

The results were negative. 

Taking a day or two to feel better and I will post again. 

Thank you all for your continued prayers 

Patiently Waiting

I know everyone is anxiously awaiting an update. (Join the club) LOL

Not much to report other than the fact that I'm feeling totally normal and healthy again, and we are playing the waiting game until Wednesday. Wednesday the 8th is my blood test. 

I will definitely update you all Wednesday evening after we get the results. It will probably be a brief update, then I will post my thoughts/feelings in a more detailed update a few days later.

Thank you all for the prayers, and please keep praying!!!!!! 

Transfer Today!

Well, things don't always go as planned. On day 3 (Saturday) we were told we had several great embryos. They were growing exactly as they should be for a "Day 3 embryo"  

This morning, Lance and I were expecting and discussing that we would  transfer one perfect embryo, then freeze the rest for future use. 

Instead, when we arrived, the doctor told us that all of our embryos except two stopped growing. We were left with 2 less than perfect embryos and none to freeze. These two embryos are considered Day 4 embryos which is not ideal to transfer. They are classified this way because they are growing at a slower rate. They advised us to transfer both to increase our odds because the odds decrease with this quality of embryo. The normal odds with a Day 5 embryo are close to a 50% success rate. With these embryos, the success rate is closer to 25%. This is why we were advised to transfer both. Normally, we would not want to transfer two since this is a higher risk of twins. We have been highly educated on the dangers for both mom and baby with a twin pregnancy. Although most people think a twin pregnancy is normal and easy, we know differently and the last thing we want  after going through all of this is a difficult or dangerous pregnancy. That being said, God knows what he is doing and we trust his plan. You may wonder how I'm feeling... I'm actually feeling good. I feel relieved that we have finally completed this difficult process and my faith lies in God. Regardless of the outcome, I am still going to praise him for all he's done in our life. We are so blessed. Two isn't many, but it's just enough. :)

Thank you all for the prayers! Keep them coming, our pregnancy test is set for April 8th! I'll post again to keep you guys updated. 

I have included a picture of our two embryos (I think they're super cool looking) as well as pics of me and Lance preparing for the procedure! 

Transfer Day

So long as everything stays the same with my health and the embryos health, we will be transferring at 12:15 Monday! I will post again tomorrow (Monday) night to let you all know how it went and how many we decided to transfer. Thank you all so much for your continued prayers. They are SO APPRECIATED and you guys are the BEST!

Pray without ceasing tomorrow!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

16 Rejoice always, 17 pray without ceasing, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 

Embryo Update

Hi Everyone, 

 The embryologist called today to tell us great news! We have 4 excellent embryos, 2 good, 2 average and 4 poor. These are fantastic numbers and we are so thankful. My transfer is scheduled for Monday at 12:15 but that is tentative because  I am still sick. I have been severely sick since Tuesday with little relief. I plan on calling the doctor tomorrow and getting her advice on whether or not we should do the transfer on Monday or freeze them until next month when I can be totally recovered. 

Pray diligently that I feel a ton better tomorrow and pray diligently that God gives my doctor wisdom on what is best for me and for our embryos. We want to do whatever is best! 

Thank you all so much for your prayers. I will update tomorrow when I know a definitive answer on the transfer.

Love you guys! 

Embryologist Update

The embryologist called and told us that out of the 40 eggs retrieved, 18 were mature and 12 fertilized. He's going to call us again on Saturday to let us know how many we will have to transfer and/or freeze.  Some of them may not make it to transfer day, which may be Monday.  This process happens naturally on its own. So we leave this in the hands of our Lord. We are so happy  and we are so thankful God had his hand on this process. And we know his will is perfect. 

All of that being said, I am in a lot of pain. My doctor told me my pain would get worse before it gets better and boy she wasn't kidding. I have been so miserable all day. I'm praying I will start feeling better tomorrow. Please please pray for me because my spirit is weak from all of this. If we get to transfer on Monday I want to be able to enjoy the experience instead of being in pain. I pray God touches me and shows mercy on my body. Thank you all so much for the prayers thus far. Keep um coming! 

I'll update again on Saturday!

Retrieval

Hi Friends, 

Today was retrieval day and everything went great. They retrieved 40 eggs! FORTY!!! I'm an over achiever..I know!

We won't know how many were viable or how many will fertilize until tomorrow. The embryologist will call us tomorrow afternoon with the information. 

Now... Everything has gone so well, there's bound to be a hiccup right? 

Well, the hiccup is this....

Because I had so many eggs, and my estrogen level got so high, my ovaries began to hyper stimulate. This is when the ovaries swell too much, and it causes pain, swelling, and many other side effects if it goes from mild to moderate or severe. I'm taking a new injection to help lower my estrogen level, so hopefully it begins to work. The doctor said over the next 4 days I will probably feel worse and worse before I begin to feel better. 

All of that said, that means that if I continue to hyper stimulate, the doctor will not transfer my embryos right now. She will freeze them, and we will transfer them next month. I am at peace with either direction we take. I know that God knows what he is doing, and his timing is perfect. I know he is directing this entire process so I will trust in him. 

For now, pray specifically for me and the hyper stimulation. Pray it remains mild and does not cause significant discomfort or pain. Pray that our embryos fertilize properly so we have healthy embryos to transfer when we are able. 

And keep praying for God's will to reign over our own. 

I have included a lovely picture Lance took of me in recovery for your viewing pleasure haha!! 

Exciting Update!

My follicles are ready and I have quite a few they believe will produce mature eggs at retrieval. My doctor has set my retrieval for Wednesday at 10:15am! We are SO EXCITED!! I will inject ovidrel at 10:15pm tonight and this will "trigger" the follicles to ovulate. Exactly 36 hours later (10:15am, Wednesday) the retrieval will happen. At that time, I will be given general anesthesia and the process of extracting the eggs will take place.

The eggs will then be given to the embryologist who will babysit my precious embryos for 3-5 days. On the 3rd or 5th day, 1, 2, or 3 of the best embryos will be transferred back into my uterus and we will pray pray pray for a keeper! The number of embryos we transfer back will greatly depend on the quality of the embryos. Obviously, the better quality, the less we transfer back. Any remaining unused embryos will be frozen for future use. 

We are so excited, and anxious about these next few days. So many factors play a part in how all of this turns out, but I know the greatest factor is my faith! I am remaining faithful and positive that God's will is best, and that he knows what he is doing. I am leaving it in his hands! 

Please pray for a safe procedure on Wednesday and for our beautiful embryos to make it safely to transfer day. Thank you all for your love and support! 

Progress Update!

Hi friends!

 Today I had an appointment that confirmed everything was on track and going as planned. My body is responding to the medication exactly how it should be. I have a total of 42 follicles growing. 15 of which are above 10mm. I need at least three to reach 17mm before the retrieval can take place. We are anticipating next Wednesday or so for the retrieval. The follicles are similar to cysts, so you can imagine the discomfort I'm feeling. My belly is very bloated and I'm experiencing quite a bit of discomfort if I move around too much. 

The shots continue to be pretty painful. 

My stomach is bruised up pretty badly from the injections, but I keep reminding myself of the end result and the reason we are doing this. I keep holding onto the faith that this short sacrifice will produce the life changing desire of our hearts. 

Please keep praying for us, and holding on to the faith! I have another appointment Monday morning. I'll post again and hopefully by then, we will have a firm date for the retrieval. 

Here's some pics of my tummy. :(

Walking on Water

^{Matthew 14 22-33}

²² Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. ²³ After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, ²⁴ and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

²⁵ Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. ²⁶ When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

²⁷ But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

²⁸ “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

²⁹ “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

³² And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. ³³ Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

 

James 1:2-4

2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

 

The message that was given at chapel (at work) this morning spoke directly to my heart. The message was about trials and troubles. I have struggled this past week with many things. Pain, doubt, faith….everything. Once the injections began, and the pain began, my spirit weakened. Doubt settled in and I began to wonder what I was doing to myself. I am human, more human than I prefer to admit. I fall short daily despite my best efforts.

I have learned these past 4 years that trials are important to our walk with the Lord. Trials and troubles are allowed in our life to deepen our relationship with the Lord. Our Lord suffered the ultimate trial on our behalf and now at times, we must suffer alongside him. What deeper knowledge do we receive of our God’s greatness and glory than when we have walked with him hand in hand during our troubles? He is there for us when we need him most if we will just call out to him and trust him. What a miraculous peace we can have if we begin viewing our trails in this manner. The physical pain, the heartache, the mental anguish we have experienced during these past 4 years is innumerable compared to the suffering our Lord has already experienced on my behalf. I realize now that instead of feeling sorry for myself, I can stand up and declare that my suffering will not and has not gone in vain. My suffering is glorious because my God has counted me important enough to want to experience this extremely intimate and special walk with me. He growing my heart and teaching me things through this I never realized before. I am so grateful for this experience because so few will ever get to experience this type of trust, faith and dependence on the Lord in this manner. You might wonder why treatments were the route God led us down as opposed to just waiting out a natural pregnancy. I do not have any doubt that treatments were the right route for us. I know for certainty that God knows my heart. He knows my spirit. He understands how I best learn what he is trying to teach me, and he knew that through these physical processes, I would grow closer to him. He knew what my spirit needed in order to fully submit to his will and plan.

I cannot tell you how many times in the past I have doubted, cried, begged, screamed, given up and felt hopeless. I am done doubting. I am ready to put forth 100% of my faith in God. I am declaring here and today that we WILL be parents from this experience. Like Peter, I have asked to step out of the boat. Like Peter, in the beginning my feet faltered because of my fear and uncertainty. And like Peter, Jesus picked me up and proved to me that I do not need to doubt him. He will provide the desires of your heart, if you only ask and seek and trust in him. I am asking Lord and I am seeking. This is the time, and I have prepared for this. I have asked to step out onto the water, and I am trusting you to allow me to walk.

 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever you would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my savior

 

Keep praying...

 

Meds and More Meds

Hello!

Well, I have been taking my meds for a few days now. There are three different ones currently. All of which are injected into the stomach. Lupron, Follistim and Menopur. The Lupron is used to keep the ovaries from ovulating on their own while the Follistim and Menopur are used to stimulate the ovaries to grow as many follicles as possible. My doctor said everyone is different but it could be anywhere from 10 follicles to 40. THAT'S ALOT of follicles in my abdomen...just sayin. 

I started Lupron last Thursday and I must say...that is a painful shot to take. It burns  quite a bit when injected. It's also keeping me pretty tired. It's the only side effect I've experienced thus far. I started the stimulating meds yesterday and already I can feel my left side having a bit of pain. My left ovary always causes me problems because it's usually pinned to my pelvic wall due to the endometriosis. I'm praying the pain stays minimal, but I can't help but feel a little nervous. Please pray for my pain and my peace of mind. 

I have a doctor appointment Tuesday for bloodwork that will test my estrogen level, and again on Thursday to test the estrogen as well as a sonogram to take a look at the growing follicles. After that, the appointments may become daily depending on the follicle growth. 

If everything goes as planned we will be having our eggs retrieved between March 25th and 28th. That's right around the corner! Plus, the 27th is our anniversary.😊

Please keep praying for us. 

We are so thankful and blessed to have such amazing friends and family. Thank you so much for your love, prayers and support. We are also so thankful for our Lord's mercy and grace. Lord, please touch us and keep your hand upon us. To all things we give you praise.

Hebrews 4:16 Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.

Baseline Sonogram Appointment

Hi Everyone!

I had my baseline sonogram and blood work  today. Just as a reminder this was to make sure the ovaries were quiet and without cysts, and the uterus lining was the proper thinness. The blood work measured my estrogen level to make sure it's where it should be.... And guess what?? Everything came back perfect! I'm so relieved to be past this first hurdle... now on to the next!

Yesterday was my last birth control pill and Thursday we will begin taking one of my many medications. Saturday we will introduce two more. I won't go into all of the details about each med, just know that these three meds will be used the next 10-14 days to stimulate my ovaries to grow multiple follicles (eggs)

Starting next Tuesday I will be monitored every other day (or more) via sonogram and blood work to make sure the ovaries are stimulating but not over stimulating. Over stimulation can cause big issues, so let's pray to keep that under control. I have already been warned that one of the side effects is pain. Considering the ovaries will be growing multiple follicles, it's similar to having multiple large cysts... Which I'm sure a lot of you know can be painful. I've been a bit nervous about this, but I'm trying to stay positive and faithful!

I have great faith that this process is going to go as planned. I have faith that God did not bring us this far to leave us. He is with us now and will continue to be with us throughout. Please keep praying for us. For now, pray specially that the process stays on track and that my side effects stay minimul. I have shared a picture below of my meds. There's a lot going on in this picture lol 

I have also shared some verses that are near to my heart this week. 

Keep praying!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13 

Because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

James 1:3 

And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she considered him faithful who had made the promise.

Hebrews 11:11 

For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.

Psalms 84:11

I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.

1 Samuel 1:27

We Won't Be Shaken!

This is our theme song right now.

http://youtu.be/9BJhOgb-unI

Building 429

I saw these guys in concert last night and my heart was filled. 

Praise you Lord for your word and for your presence!

WE WON'T BE SHAKEN!!

Keep praying! Let's band together and NOT BE MOVED!!!

Pre-Start Visit

Hi friends!

Today was our pre-start visit with our doctor. The visit consisted of an overview and instructions on the medications, how to administer them, consent forms, financial information, as well as a uterine evaluation and hysterscopy. Our medications were ordered and should arrive within a few days.

The hysterscopy and uterine evaluation were to make sure the uterus was in good/healthy condition. Thank the good Lord, all is well with mine and we are set to go. 

The amount of medication and the complexity of the administration of it is quite overwhelming, but, they gave us lots of great notes and a nifty calendar to help keep track of it all. I have included a pic of the calendar as well as a lovely pic of us waiting in the room for my hysterscopy. I also included a pic of the super cool camera they used to look inside my uterus. I was actually able to see my entire uterus as well as the openings to both of my Fallopian tubes. Pretty cool! 

My next visit is Tuesday the 10th. We will have my baseline sonogram done and a blood test to measure my estrogen level. The sono and blood work are to make sure all is quiet with my body, and if so, we will begin taking our medications two days later! 

I'll then be monitored about every other day until the eggs are "ready" to be retrieved. After retrieval, they'll be released back into my uterus and we will pray for a keeper!! 

Until then, please keep praying that everything stays on track, and the Lord keeps us safe and healthy throughout. Any little hiccup can cause back ups, and back ups mean extra money, time, and effort. So pray pray pray for us during this time! 

I'll post again on Tuesday!! See YA soon!

Put On The Whole Armor of God

Just a quick update from my doctor: My doctor called my birth control in to the pharmacy and I am to begin taking it tomorrow (Friday 2/20/15) She said I will take it for a minimum of 14 days. During this 14 days I will have an appointment which they call the “pre-start” visit. This visit is to do a complete work up on my health. They will check my uterus, ovaries and blood among other things. They want to be sure everything is as it should be before we actually begin taking the injectable hormones and growing the follicles (eggs) that will eventually be used for fertilization, and then implantation.  (Sounds like I’m gardening HA!)

Over the last few weeks I have had some major scripture on my heart. I have felt as though God is speaking directly to me through certain scripture. There is one scripture in particular that has consistently played in my heart and mind.

Ephesians 6

10. Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. 11. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. 13. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. 14. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; 15. And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16. Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. 17. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

The past few weeks I have felt like I’m am preparing my mind and heart for battle. I literally feel as though I am drowning my mind in study, worship and prayer. I know that what we are about to face is going to take every fiber of courage, faith and strength in my body. I do not look at IVF as a simple task, or just another medical procedure. I feel so many things it’s hard to write them all down.

First, I feel blessed. I feel as though God has tasked me with this miraculous opportunity. He has given us the ability to express our deep faith and love. Love not only for Him, but for each other as well. These types of hardships can either break a marriage or build a marriage. So far, Lance and I have grown closer since we’ve began preparing for IVF. We both know that spiritually, this may be one of the greatest tasks ever set before us, and we are clinging to each other for support. What a beautiful task our Lord has given us. I can’t help but feel consumed by His love, and by Lance’s love during this time.

Second, I feel like I am witnessing a miracle. All pregnancies are miracles, but so many of them come so easily that we may not always pay tribute to the true miracle worker himself. Whether IVF results in a pregnancy or not, the experience itself is a miracle. I am fortunate enough to witness the God –given abilities these doctors have with my own two eyes.  The entire process is so sacred and beautiful and I can’t help but feel overwhelmed with the amazement and awe of it all.

Third, I feel like I’m in training. God is using scripture, music, family/friends, books and many other things to train my heart and mind for the battle we will soon face. Although IVF is a beautiful and miraculous thing, the devil will try to rob me of that. He will fight tooth and nail to make me feel sad, unfaithful, angry, and defeated any chance he can get. Because I know this ahead of time, I know exactly how to prepare. I have been absorbed in every moment of worship I can be for the simple fact that I know that if my mind is on God, the devil cannot creep in. He cannot whisper in my ear and remind me that I am weak. My Lord is my strength when I am weak.

Lastly, I feel ready. It has taken us such a long time to get to this point. I feel so overwhelmingly ready to face what’s ahead of us, I could just cry. I want to embrace every moment of these next few weeks. I want to hear God’s voice every day and know that he is with me. I want to feel his presence when we are facing adversity, and I want to set my eyes upon the powerful, and incredible miracle that we are about to delve into. I can truly say that whether this process results in a pregnancy or not, that where we are now is where we are meant to be at this very moment. The Lord is using this process for something so much greater than a pregnancy. He is growing my heart, my marriage, and my love for Him. He is allowing me to be a part of such a beautiful miracle that so few get to experience at this level. He is teaching me how to remain strong and faithful. He is instructing me on how to use His armor as solid defense against the enemy.   When having done all to stand….STAND!

I will keep standing, I will keep striving, and I will keep holding on to you Lord.  

Keep praying!

 

 

 

 

Quick Update

Not much to update on just yet. We should have our first official doctor appointment within the next 5-7 days and at that point I will have a lot more to update on. I've had a lot of scripture on my mind lately and I am excited to write it all down and share it with you soon. In the meantime, I wanted to share a few beautiful and fitting quotes. 

Keep praying!

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On Your Mark... Get Set....

Hi friends!
I can finally say that we have made the decision to move forward with IVF. I had my consultation appointment today with my amazing doctor at Dallas Fertility Associates. If pregnancy is not successful this month on our own, we will begin the detailed process as soon as my cycle begins in February. This will put us having the actual IVF procedure in late March.
As you already know, it has taken us a few years to come to this decision. It was not an easy decision to make, but I have never felt more confident that we are making the right choice. We are both really excited, and of course, a bit nervous. Please pray for us as we move forward with this process. Pray that we have strength, peace, and courage to conquer each day and each trial we may be presented with. I plan on posting each week as we navigate through the process. Please feel free to cheer us along by posting comments.

For educational purposes I have included a general overview of the IVF process as my doctor described it to me today.

Currently- I will begin taking a pre-natal vitamin, along with another doctor recommended vitamin.

Mid-February- If natural pregnancy is not successful, I will immediately begin taking a birth control pill. (weird right?) The birth control is used to quiet the system and ovaries. It will allow my body to take a break from growing eggs and producing hormones. This prepares my ovaries for the hormones I will be injecting later to stimulate my ovaries to grow numerous eggs for retrieval.

Early March- Begin using injectable hormones. The hormones will grow numerous eggs that will be retrieved via a small surgical procedure. (not major surgery, no recovery required)

Mid March- The eggs will be retrieved and fertilized. The fertilization/growth process usually takes 3-5 days.

Late March-The two healthiest eggs will be used for implantation. The eggs will be placed inside my uterus and Lord willing one or both of the eggs will implant and begin to grow. (Our anniversary is March 27th, how cool would it be to conceive on our anniversary!)

Early April-Two weeks after implantation, we will take a blood pregnancy test.

Of course, I will detail this out for you all as it happens, and of course this is all subject to change a bit depending on my own body's response to the hormones. I have taken these same hormones in the past with IUI and did very well, so fingers crossed we won't have any hiccups this time either.
One of the main side effects of the hormones is ovarian hyper-stimulation. This occurs when the ovaries stimulate too much and swell which requires emergency surgery. This is a rare side effect, so we'll pray we keep this one at bay.

Thank you all so much for your love, prayers and support.... keep it coming!!!

Building an Ark

This morning in church I had a revelation. My Sunday school class talked about Noah and his perseverance. How, even though every one around him thought he was silly and his actions were not necessary, Noah knew that his work would not be in vain. Noah worked for 100+ years to build his ark, even though it wasn't raining, even though there was no flood yet, even though everyone thought he was crazy. God led Noah to persevere.

I often wonder if Noah occasionally questioned the Lord's will for him. Did Noah ask God why it was taking so long to build the ark? Did Noah find himself tired and weary from his labors, wanting to give up? Did Noah beg the Lord to please finish the ark for him? Noah was a great man, but he was also human, so this leads me to believe that he probably did have a few moments in the flesh where he wondered if he were on the right path and doing the right thing.

I can relate to Noah. I have found myself doing this almost weekly for four years. One week I tell myself I need to sit back and do nothing... just let God take control. The next week, I think I need to be fasting, studying, doing something to assist God in answering my prayers. I teeter on the edge of doing too little and doing too much all the time. Is seeking medical attention doing too much? Shouldn't a miracle such as having a child come a bit more easily and without so much struggle and heartache? Is simply sitting back and praying doing too little? Like Noah, is there a path I need to be following?
I battle with these questions often, but today I felt a bit more clarity than I have in the past.

Today, I realized that when God leads us down a path, it doesn't mean we are not required to put forth some effort. Oftentimes, God is leading us down a path to test us in our obedience, our strength, and our faith. God told Noah to build an ark. God wanted Noah to put forth an effort to show his obedience and faith. It wasn't easy and it wasn't instant, but Noah persevered. God could have told Noah to build the ark, and after a year or so of Noah's obedience, God could have finished the ark for Noah... but he didn't. Noah was required to finish, required to persevere.

Today I feel like Noah. I feel like I have been "building an ark" for the past four years. Each day finding myself with different emotions. One day optimistic and grateful, the next day weary and burdened, yet I have persevered. God has led us down this path for a reason. Each day that we persevere and hold steady to our faith, we grow a bit closer, we learn a bit more about ourselves and our abilities, and we inch closer to the ultimate goal. We keep running the race, we keep building the ark.

Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may obtain it. 1 Cor. 9:24

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us. Heb 12:1

But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

Our Story in a Nutshell

MY FIRST BLOG POST!

If you are reading this, you probably already know me fairly well. You probably already know that for the past 4 years my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant. "Getting pregnant"... hmm.. this phrase baffles me. This is something that seems so simple for most women, yet so unattainable for me, its practically a foreign language in my book. I cannot picture myself pregnant. Is that weird?
Anyway, as you know, the past 4 years have been a cliché roller coaster of ups and downs. Just to give you a quick recap (I'll detail the facts for you a bit later)

We've been married since March of 2010 and trying to get pregnant since January of 2011. We've been through several surgeries, treatments, prayers, fasts, ovulation kits, pregnancy tests... and the list goes on and on. If you have a suggestion, I promise, I have already tried it!

Of course, like any normal couple, we tried naturally without a care in the world for the first 6 months or so... by the 7th month I began to become a bit concerned. Since the age of 18 I've always known that endometriosis ran in my family, and I have always suffered with severe symptoms of endometriosis but had never been technically diagnosed. This is because endometriosis can only be diagnosed through laparoscopic surgery. I've also always been aware that endometriosis can cause infertility. Here is the definition of endometriosis for those who don't know what it is. (Thank you Mayo Clinic)

Endometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus (endometrial implant). Endometriosis most commonly involves your ovaries, bowel or the tissue lining your pelvis. Rarely, endometrial tissue may spread beyond your pelvic region.
In endometriosis, displaced endometrial tissue continues to act as it normally would — it thickens, breaks down and bleeds with each menstrual cycle. Because this displaced tissue has no way to exit your body, it becomes trapped. When endometriosis involves the ovaries, cysts called endometriomas may form. Surrounding tissue can become irritated, eventually developing scar tissue and adhesions — abnormal tissue that binds organs together.

Endometriosis can cause severe pain especially during your period. Fertility problems also may develop. DID I MENTION IT CAUSES THE MOST PAINFUL PERIODS EVER! Like doubled over, can't walk, I'm gonna die pain!

You see, endometriosis can only be controlled by taking continuous birth control and never having a period. With every period, endometriosis grows more and more and becomes more and more painful. This is why it is SO IMPORTANT for us to use our "trying" time wisely. I'm not like most women who can try for years and years until it works. I have a limited time of trying before my reproductive organs are so destroyed by endometriosis that I will eventually and inevitably need a hysterectomy. Each period=pain and growth of endometriosis.

All that being said, by month 10 of "trying" I was scheduled for surgery to diagnose and treat endometriosis. This was October 2011.
During my surgery I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Endometriosis, which is one of the more severe cases. My amazing (world-renown I might add) doctor burned away as much of the scar tissue and adhesions as he could, he placed my left ovary back where it belonged (it was stuck to my pelvic wall) and then cut away scar tissue from my bowel which was also stuck to my pelvic wall. FUN!!!
He sent me home and said I would have increased fertility for the next 18 months so try try try!
So, we did.. and we did... and we did... but nothing! We decided to seek out some smaller, less expensive infertility treatments to assist us with our process.

For educational purposes, I have broken down the 3 common types of infertility treatments from least expensive to most expensive.I have also included the estimated pregnancy rates. I gathered this info from different sites online.

Trying naturally-  A less than 2% chance for pregnancy with women under age 35 with moderate/severe endometriosis
IUI using pills-Around a 4% pregnancy rate with women under the same statistic
IUI using injectable medications- Around a 10% pregnancy rate with women under the same statistic
IVF-Around a 50% pregnancy rate with women under the same statistic

Now, I'll break down what each of these treatments require.

Intrauterine insemination (IUI) is a fertility treatment that involves placing sperm inside a woman’s uterus to facilitate fertilization. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization. IUI provides the sperm an advantage by giving it a head start, but still requires a sperm to reach and fertilize the egg on its own. It is a less invasive and less expensive option compared to in vitro fertilization.

How does IUI work?
Before intrauterine insemination, ovulation stimulating medications may be used, in which case careful monitoring will be necessary to determine when the eggs are mature. The IUI procedure will then be performed around the time of ovulation, typically about 24-36 hours after the surge in LH hormone that indicates ovulation will occur soon.

You see, naturally, we ovulate one mature egg per cycle. When using pills to stimulate the ovaries for an IUI, you can ovulate usually around two matures eggs, therefore doubling your chances of getting pregnant. (Yes, also causing concern for twins)
When using injectable medications, you actually then ovulate typically around 4 eggs per cycle... so you can get the drift as to why injectable meds are more expensive and therefore more effective. (Think John and Kate plus 8) There is a risk of multiples, but the risk does not outweigh the benefit in my opinion. This option still leaves everything up to nature, it does not give us a clear idea of exactly what is going wrong. All we know, is that we have tried this option 6 times over the course of a year, with no luck. Somehow, the egg and sperm are not meeting and are not being fertilized.

Now on to IVF... good ole IVF...
In Vitro Fertilization is assisted reproductive technology commonly referred to as IVF.
IVF is the process of fertilization by manually combining an egg and sperm in a laboratory dish, and then transferring the embryo to the uterus.
What is involved with in vitro fertilization?
There are five basic steps in the IVF and embryo transfer process:

1. Monitor and stimulate the development of healthy egg(s) in the ovaries.
2. Collect the eggs.
3. Secure the sperm.
4. Combine the eggs and sperm together in the laboratory and provide the appropriate environment for fertilization and early embryo growth.
5. Transfer embryos into the uterus (max of two embryos)

This is the best option for women suffering with endometriosis. It takes the guess work out of where the problem is lying. Is the problem with my eggs, is it with the fertilization, or implantation? There's no way to know without IVF.
For obvious reasons, we have not chosen this route as of yet. It's a lot to consider.
Not only do we have to consider the financial impact, but we also have to consider the emotional impact. What if it doesn't work?  Tough questions for sure!

What Else is Going on?
While undergoing our 6 IUI's we were both tested for other issues. My husband is healthy as a horse, but the doctor noticed that my egg count was measuring low. This means that my ovarian reserve is not as high and healthy as someone my age should have. Yet another reason getting pregnant is so hard for us.
Endometriosis + low ovarian reserve = Extreme difficulty getting pregnant!

There is not cure for either endometriosis or low ovarian reserve. It is what it is... and now we have to play our cards as they've been dealt.

So, where are we now?
Well, now it's January 2015. Last month I had a second laparoscopic surgery to "clean up" my endometriosis yet again. 3 years of continuous periods led me to grow significant endometriosis again within my pelvis. During this surgery I was diagnosed with Stage 3 endometriosis. The adhesions and scar tissue caused my left ovary to stick to my ureter. (ouch) and my bowel to yet again, stick to my pelvic wall. I was sent home to "try" naturally for 3 months, and at the three month point, we needed to think about next steps. Should we try IUI's again? Or should we put our efforts into IVF?
That is where we are... we are currently on month two post surgery weighing our options. As it stands, we are leaning towards beginning IVF and hopefully doing it before July of this year. That is not set in stone just yet, but we are going to first pray for a natural pregnancy before then, and second, pray for peace regarding undergoing IVF treatment if necessary, and third, pray that if we do undergo IVF, it is successful.

If you've taken the time to read this, then you are a great friend. I decided to start this blog for several reasons. One was to help me emotionally deal with all of this. Unless you've been through it, you have NO IDEA how hard it is. You have no idea what it's like to look your husband in the eyes every day and see him yearn for a child that just won't come. You have no idea how it feels to go to a zillion birthday parties and baby showers thinking that you will never have this experience. Lastly, you have no idea how it feels for your body to completely and utterly deny you the one thing it was created to do.  I most certainly have faith that God's Will will prevail regardless of what we do. If he doesn't want us to have children, then even IVF will not work. I have faith that God's Will is what is best for us. I know this deep in my core. My fear is how painful God's Will may be to endure... what kind of strength, faith, pain, trials will I have to endure to allow for God's Will to prevail in my life.

I believe that God has led me down this journey. I have absolutely no doubt that this is where God wants me to be. I have grown so much as a woman and wife during this process. I have faced trials and hardships some will never experience, and I have kept the faith. I have believed and pushed forward knowing that whatever happens, it is for the best. Some might say fertility treatments are wrong. Some believe that using fertility treatments is going against the Will of God. For those of you who feel that way, it's best to excuse yourself from my blog. God provides medical treatment for all conditions, and I believe infertility is one of those conditions.
If I were in the hospital tomorrow being told I needed a heart transplant, or I would die... then would I choose death, or would I choose the heart transplant? I would obviously choose the transplant. Did I go against God's Will of death, or did I choose the path God laid out for me?
I feel the same way about fertility treatment. Any parent would go to the ends of the earth for their child, and this is no different. I will fight for, and endure for the child we yearn for. God puts us through trials and heartache to grow us closer to him. I know this is why I am suffering, and I will not suffer in vain. I am thankful for my struggles because they provide me strength.
"My grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9


What I need from my friends at this point is a listening ear and prayers. I do not need or want advice, I just want a shoulder to lean on and a cheerleader to cheer us on!

I will update my blog as often as possible to keep you all up to date on our journey. I would love for you all to comment or post words of encouragement and understanding as you read along with me.

Specific Prayer Requests:
Please pray for peace for my husband and I as we continue being faced with difficult decisions
Please pray for God's Will to prevail in our lives
Please pray for our ears to be open to the Word of God